A Story About The Civil War:

He viewed it as an honor and a privilege.  Actually, what he was thinking had nothing to do with privilege.  Private Barton (1984th Bck Sklrk) was the designated monkey antagonizer of the week.  In other words, he was responsible for the CSA’s special weapon – a crack unit of attack monkeys.  The 1994th Hnd Accd were the result of fierce trading on the part of President Jim Davis.  Early in the war, Davis had managed to sneak out a shipment of cotton.  Unfortunately, the only port open to CSA cotton had been in Ghana.  The cotton had been wisely traded for 500 monkeys, allowing for the formation of the 1994th.

Private Barton’s job was to smear tomatoes all over himself, and then whip the monkeys into such a frenzy that they would indiscriminately destroy the CSA’s enemies on the battlefield.  Private Barton did not look forward to this task.

The fiddles signaled the charge, and he hesitantly began his duty.  Jumping into the midst of the monkeys, he knocked over two monkeys grooming each other.  With a screech the enraged monkeys jumped upon him.  A series of hoots indicated the other monkeys were also joining the fray.  Cavalry started to drive the monkeys toward the Union troops.  One of the monkeys bit Private Barton, causing him to yell.  The monkeys on top of and around him also yelled.  The other CSA units heard this, and they too began to yell.  Thus, the "Rebel Yell" was born.
 

He viewed it as an honor and a privilege.  Anything would have been and honor and a privilege for Private Smith (1994th Tyta Cmry) after his last few months in support.  As a stock master, he has been in charge of managing a supply depot for the Union – handing out rifles and cannons and other antiquated equipment, and keeping back the M-60’s and Uzi’s until such a time as the Army had used up the old stuff.  After accidentally supplying a squad with M-203’s and unintentionally starting the most one-sided battle of the War (the Battle of "Hey!  You lookin’ at me?") he was demoted.  He had then served in the structures unit.  The clever and industrious North had hit upon the idea of building their forts from readily available material, rather than hauling large rocks and mud from Massachusetts as they had early in the war.  Therefore, he had participated in the dismembering of one of the older units (the 1989th Ply Vgr) and had personally used his saliva to affix arms and legs to make the southern wall of Fort Ified.  Now he was a real soldier.  Allowed to line up, cabaret style, with the other men of the 1994th and charge into the fray.

The horrific sound of the Rebel Yell (punctuated with occasional monkey screeches) had him shaking in his boots.  His entire squad wet their light blue trousers, darkening them considerably (this gave Corporal Claude an idea which, from that day on, masked possible accidents by dying all Union uniforms a darker blue, instead of the cyan of the early war).  As he watched the rebel formation degenerate into a rabble of men desperately trying to fend off monkey bites, he decided it might be time to shoot.  He, and the rest of the 1994th,opened fire.  Unfortunately, they targeted the CSA regulars, overlooking the brown streaks of teeth and claws until it was too late.  The rebel men were dead, but the rebel monkeys were ready to rumble.