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- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
- You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
- I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
- One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner
- I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne
- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
- I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks
- This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta
- He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer
- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. - Erma Bombeck
- If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne
- I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
- I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton
- I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman
- I think-therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
- Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug
- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
- If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary. - Margaret Atwood
- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem
- Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn
- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
- Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. - Baroness Edith Summerskill
- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor