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"The Best Little Book Of One-Liners" compiled by Henny Youngman (1906-1998) You should be born in the Dark Ages - you sure look awful in the light. I like you - I have no taste, but I like you. Wild flowers fade fast, but blooming idiots last forever. After the show, can I drop you off somewhere? Say - the roof? Your Early American features fasinate me - you look like a buffalo. Tell me, is that your lower lip, or are you wearing a turtleneck? I'm a light eater. As soon as it gets light, I start eating. I once thought of becoming an atheist, but I changed my mind; no paid holidays. It will be tough getting along without you, but let me try. Let's play house. You'll be the door and I'll slam you. You must come out to my swimming pool so I can give you drowning lessons. When a guy says he's fixed for life, you don't know whether he's talking about a pension or a vasectomy. You make that dress look ten years younger. There's only one thing keeping her from being a happily married woman - him. Want to have some fun? Walk into an antique shop and say "What's new?" There's a bus leaving in five minutes - get under it. If you had known yesterday what you know now, you would have been an idiot then, too. When a little girl says, "I'm a girl and you're a boy," and the boy says, "I'll go ask my mother," that's research. When he says, "Let's see," that's sex. I always like to think the best of people. That's why I consider you an idiot. Jury: A group of twelve people selected to decide who has the better lawyer. He's such a phony that he gets cavities in his false teeth. He has so little personality - he worked on a color television show and came out in black and white. Let's play Building and Loan. Just get out of the building and leave me alone. If they can make pencillin out of moldy bread, surely they can make something out of you. Having a hole in the head doesn't always indicate an open mind. When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother. Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. I don't recall your face - but your breath is familiar. You look outstanding; like you've been out standing under a drain pipe. One word you never hear in my house is divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, no. Take it like a man - blame it on your wife. Anything goes tonight and you may be the first. There's only one thing wrong with you. You're visible. I think the world of you - and you know what I think of the world. Someday you'll go too far - and I hope you stay there. You'll make a perfect stranger. You do have one redeeming feature - mortality. The only way you would ever be worth anything is if people were sold by the pound. Could you believe I used to play at Carnegie Hall - til the cops chased me away. Want to get a guy crazy? Send him a telegram saying, "Ignore the first wire." I'd go to the end of the earth for you - if you were at the other end. When you go to a restaurant, always ask for a table near the waiter. The towels in that ritzy hotel were so big and fluffy you could hardly close your suitcase. I bought my mother-in-law a chair, but they won't let me plug it in. When you become a mother will you let me adopt one of your kittens? I read about the evils of drinking, so i gave up reading. Cancer stops smoking. Your dress is too short. It only extends up to your neck. She had a coming-out party - but they made her go back in again. If you don't like the way women drive, get off the sidewalks. When I first spotted you I thought my eyes were bad - I wish they were. My mother-in-law is very neat. She puts paper under the cuckoo clock. I'll never forget the first time we met - but I'm trying. If God sneezed, what could I say to Him? Now, back to my kewl quotes page.