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- What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
- Your honor.
- What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
- Senator.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
- You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
- What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start!
- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
- His lips are moving.
- What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
- There are skid marks in front of the dog.
- How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
- Depends on how thin you slice them.
- Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
- Professional courtesy.
- What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
- Not enough sand.
- When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
- Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
- How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
- Cut the rope.
- How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
- Shoot him before he hits the water.
- What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
- When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
- What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
- There was an empty seat.
- How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
- Never enough.
- Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
- No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
- What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
- With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
- What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
- A lobotomy.
- What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
- One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
- Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
- He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
- What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
- Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
- Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
- From chasing parked ambulances.
- Where can you find a good lawyer?
- In the cemetery.
- What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
- Their personalities.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
- The lawyer charges more.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
- A vampire only sucks blood at night.
- What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
- A doberman.
- What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
- When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
- How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
- Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
- Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
- Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
- Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
- It's called, Sosumi.
- Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
- They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
- The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
- What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
- About three pounds, including the urn.