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Lawyer Jokes
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

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